Hello. I'd like to buy a new mobile phone please...

I've got a brand new mobile phone. Its a doozy. Its thus so because it does exactly what I want it to do. Dial out, ring and do 'txt msgs'. That's all I need. That's all I asked for. I don't want any fancy gadgets. I don't want bluetooth or web access or a 4 mega pixel camera or the ability to get data sent to me from a satellite orbiting Uranus to tell me EXACTLY where the nearest clean and fresh public toilet is. No. I don't want that. I want a phone that dials, rings and can do 'txt msgs'. In other words, a BASIC PHONE. Is there such a thing?

According to my local Vodaphone shop, there is not. Well, there was but it took me thirty of your earth minutes to get what I wanted as I had to endure the sales pitch of the spotty oik with a crappy scratched badge (we will call him Richard for sake of confidentiality) who had either a) just got out of bed or b) been sick and fallen out of bed or c) done both a) and b) and got back into bed, realised he was late for work and d) ran to said work with with his hair on back to front.

The sales pitch was enthusiastic considering his obvious halitosis and last nights flaky gel encrusted barnet when I made my enquiry. But what really peeved me off was the fact that the nerk kept trying to sell me one that can tell me the time anywhere in the world despite me saying I wanted one that just rings, dials and does 'txt msgs'. In other words, a BASIC PHONE.

"But sir", he insisited, "This one can take a picture and you can edit it and add things to it and then send it to someone". Richard looks at me with a big sales winning grin.

"Wow! Really?" I say with mock awe. "Thats so much better than what I actually asked you for twice already. So it doesnt ring or dial or txt? No? Ahh, no matter because it can tell me the time anywhere in the bloody world. I'll take three and be on my way." Needless to say Richards face dropped. He got the 'msg' and sold me EXACTLY what I had asked for and I left with a sales killing grin. Sigh... Life was so much simpler with the old Bakerlite phone.




Hello? Is that Miss Curuthers? I was wondering if you would care to join me for a light spanking this afternoon? Jolly good, see you in twenty minutes.




Now don't get me wrong. I know these people are only trying to make more money for the company (who by the way were down by 4.6% last year, to £9.3bn...poor things...) and earn themselves a dab of commission in the process, but I do feel that the whole sales pitch crap is becoming a little tedious for Joe Public. It's all hard sell sell sell and normal people like me (I use that phrase lightly) are becoming more and more pissed off with this. As soon as you put one hand on the shop door-handle you can see them inside fighting each other to be first to your side and say "Hello, can I help you?" in menacing smiles that cause me to glance fretfully over my shoulder and back off into the street waving my excuses.

In a nutshell 'Dick', and every other poxy 'salesperson' out there. If we want assistance, we will ask. If we don't ask - fack off back behind the counter and stop pestering us.