How to start a conversation

One of the major aspects of the human race is the ability to communicate orally, and yet for some, it also seems it is one of the hardest to engage yet alone master.

You see, the word 'Hello' is such an open portal of conversation that if not used correctly can confuse a lot of people into standing hesitantly in front of you, jumping from one foot to the other, not knowing what to do next. Lets take a quick look at an example.

Person A -"Hello."
Person B -"Erm. Hello." - long awkward pause, shuffling of feet.
Person A -"Well this is nice. Do want a pineapple?"
Person B - "Erm, what?"

Well that didn't go down to well did it and you appeared foolish at the end. Now lets try adding a few more lines into the opening gambit to see what happens.

Person A - "Hello. Nice weather we're having."
Person B - "Erm yes I suppose. - long awkward pause, shuffling of feet.
Person A -"Well this is nice. Do want a pineapple?"
Person B - "Eh, what?"

No, No. That's all wrong, a nice try but the conversation lasted the same amount time and you still appeared stupid at the end. You added an extra opening line about the weather which is good, as half the population couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while, but it still didn't work out too well. Let's try adding a question to try and engage a response shall we?

Person A - "Hello."
Person B - "Hello.
Person A - "Nice weather we're having. Very warm."
Person B - "Erm yes I suppose."
Person A - "So. How are you?"
Person B - "I'm very well thank you. Yourself?"
Person A - "I'm very good thank you". - long awkward pause, shuffling of feet.
Person B -"Well this is nice. Do want a pineapple?"
Person A - "Huh, what?"

Well done! You managed to engage the other person for twice as long that time. The outcome at the end was different, as you made them look like the idiot. You'll have to think up some more questions to keep them standing there. Just make sure when your bored of them you are the one to close all avenues for further discussion. Your well on your way to mastering the art of communication.

Keep practising!

lol rofl lmao wtf r u on imho plz stfu ok c u at 6

Maybe I am just getting on in life, but really, is there any need for some people to abbreviate every single word or phrase in the entire dictionary when your sending a text message, writing an email, or talking on MSN?

Fair enough, I can cope with the odd 'lol' and a few 'wtf's' every now and again, but has our beloved *insert your language here* become so useless that we have to resort to shortening everything? I thought learning French at school was bad enough, but sooner or later, and believe me in this crazy society which we claim to call our own and live in, we'll be taking exams in "How To Talk in Txt".

I can see it now. "Aw Wtf I gt a D"

There have even been books released on how to send and decipher this annoying bloody chav code and in texts and emails that I have received, I have had to go online to try to translate the buggers into some sort of sensible conversation, which usually ends in it not being a sensible conversation, and I am left feeling I have waisted ten minutes looking it up and another ten minutes moaning about it.

There are various websites for decrypting said 'txt' one being found at http://www.webopedia.com/quick_ref/textmessageabbreviations.asp. The list of phrases is absolutely gigantic. How can these people memorize so much crap? Do they want to say something, look it up in their book or internet and then type it out? Wouldn't it be far simpler and quicker to just type it out normally or failing that, dial my bloody number and ask me what you wanted to?
Since when is anybody going to use the text term of "NQT - Newly Qualified Teacher" or "YRYOCC - Your Running Your Own Cuckoo Clock". I mean come on, WTF?

I am, as ever, annoyed.