What A Crock Of Monkey Snot

The Circle of Life

2008-07-18T11:21:00.003+01:00

Says it all really. Click to enlarge.

A tip for job seekers

2008-07-17T15:24:00.009+01:00

I like many others in life have had rejection letters or emails from jobs which have been applied for. It comes with the territory I suppose and it is one of life's bitter sweet slaps around the face.

One thing I have found, and please believe me when I say I am not blowing my own trumpet, is that I have been turned down before on occasions, for being 'over qualified', which astounds me and renders me bloody aggravated at the same time. Surely being 'over qualified' means that your knowledge of the job offered is second to none and no-one in their right mind would not employ you?

Comments at interviews such as, "Hmm, you have a lot of qualifications," and "Your very knowledgeable in these areas. Maybe too much so." leads me to believe that the person interviewing will not take on such a person if they are more intelligent than themselves. On any level.

Bloody ridiculous. What exactly was the point of me doing all these exams and courses to get me the job that I wanted if no bugger is going to take them on board? I feel like I had wasted all that time in university getting plastered at parties for no reason. I actually found that by dumbing myself down and removing qualifications by just putting the basics such as Maths and English, maybe keeping a science, gave me more interviews and job offers than I had ever had before.

Still, if that doesn't work for you, try this handy template to reply to said rejection letters replacing the areas betwixt ** with the appropriate relevant details, if you really do want that job.


Dear *name of person in human resources, or if not known just 'Sir'*

Thank you for your letter of *date*.  After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
the position of *position* in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters.  With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time.
Therefore, I will assume the position of *position* in your department
on the *date*.  I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
*your name*

How to start a conversation

2008-07-16T15:26:00.014+01:00

One of the major aspects of the human race is the ability to communicate orally, and yet for some, it also seems it is one of the hardest to engage yet alone master.

You see, the word 'Hello' is such an open portal of conversation that if not used correctly can confuse a lot of people into standing hesitantly in front of you, jumping from one foot to the other, not knowing what to do next. Lets take a quick look at an example.

Person A -"Hello."
Person B -"Erm. Hello." - long awkward pause, shuffling of feet.
Person A -"Well this is nice. Do want a pineapple?"
Person B - "Erm, what?"

Well that didn't go down to well did it and you appeared foolish at the end. Now lets try adding a few more lines into the opening gambit to see what happens.

Person A - "Hello. Nice weather we're having."
Person B - "Erm yes I suppose. - long awkward pause, shuffling of feet.
Person A -"Well this is nice. Do want a pineapple?"
Person B - "Eh, what?"

No, No. That's all wrong, a nice try but the conversation lasted the same amount time and you still appeared stupid at the end. You added an extra opening line about the weather which is good, as half the population couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while, but it still didn't work out too well. Let's try adding a question to try and engage a response shall we?

Person A - "Hello."
Person B - "Hello.
Person A - "Nice weather we're having. Very warm."
Person B - "Erm yes I suppose."
Person A - "So. How are you?"
Person B - "I'm very well thank you. Yourself?"
Person A - "I'm very good thank you". - long awkward pause, shuffling of feet.
Person B -"Well this is nice. Do want a pineapple?"
Person A - "Huh, what?"

Well done! You managed to engage the other person for twice as long that time. The outcome at the end was different, as you made them look like the idiot. You'll have to think up some more questions to keep them standing there. Just make sure when your bored of them you are the one to close all avenues for further discussion. Your well on your way to mastering the art of communication.

Keep practising!

lol rofl lmao wtf r u on imho plz stfu ok c u at 6

2008-07-15T19:19:00.008+01:00

Maybe I am just getting on in life, but really, is there any need for some people to abbreviate every single word or phrase in the entire dictionary when your sending a text message, writing an email, or talking on MSN?

Fair enough, I can cope with the odd 'lol' and a few 'wtf's' every now and again, but has our beloved *insert your language here* become so useless that we have to resort to shortening everything? I thought learning French at school was bad enough, but sooner or later, and believe me in this crazy society which we claim to call our own and live in, we'll be taking exams in "How To Talk in Txt".

I can see it now. "Aw Wtf I gt a D"

There have even been books released on how to send and decipher this annoying bloody chav code and in texts and emails that I have received, I have had to go online to try to translate the buggers into some sort of sensible conversation, which usually ends in it not being a sensible conversation, and I am left feeling I have waisted ten minutes looking it up and another ten minutes moaning about it.

There are various websites for decrypting said 'txt' one being found at http://www.webopedia.com/quick_ref/textmessageabbreviations.asp. The list of phrases is absolutely gigantic. How can these people memorize so much crap? Do they want to say something, look it up in their book or internet and then type it out? Wouldn't it be far simpler and quicker to just type it out normally or failing that, dial my bloody number and ask me what you wanted to?
Since when is anybody going to use the text term of "NQT - Newly Qualified Teacher" or "YRYOCC - Your Running Your Own Cuckoo Clock". I mean come on, WTF?

I am, as ever, annoyed.

Reconsider your inconsiderations.

2008-07-15T12:42:00.013+01:00

Two weeks back I received a phone call asking me to attend an audition for an acting role. I had a long chat with the person on the phone; seemed a nice sort, young and excitable as they are. They had seen some previous work of mine, liked it very much and would I be interested in auditioning for the role? Naturally I accepted, they emailed me the script, did some research into the director and previous works, as you do, duly rehearsed lines for the part they wanted reading - you get the picture here.

The audition was a good three hours from where I lived and not practical to drive to, so I hopped on the train and made my way there, went through the audition very well, "many thanks for coming along we will be in touch very soon, you suit the part." So you can imagine my surprise as when I returned home I looked on their website only to find that on that very morning they had posted a message saying that they had already cast the role.

I'm am not annoyed that I didn't get the part after what was said. I am not that fickle. I am however bloody annoyed that I needlessly made a six hour round trip, shelling out over fifty quid to get to the place, when I really need not have gone if someone had just taken thirty seconds out of their life to inform me I was not needed. The more I think of it the more I am in belief that they completely forgot I was coming along. I did wonder why they were so aloof. As it also happened, I had to pass up on an opportunity for another audition on that same day to attend this one.

But this entry is not just about this. I am continually becoming "miffed" at people in general these days, hence why I am becoming a grumpy git and probably why this blog started in the first place. I never used to be this way. I had such a laid back attitude. I would never let things get to me because I guess I didn't want to bring any conflict to the table or upset my 'karma' or whatever it is that shouldn't be upset or messed with.

But as I am becoming older and wiser in my years I find that I am far more susceptible to these things around me and quiet frankly the pig ignorant inconsiderate things that people do, that if they just thought for second, could quiet easily be avoided. From double parking across driveways so you can't get your car in or blocking you in so you have to get a can opener to get your car out, queue jumping, lighting a cigarette in a no smoking zone, barging past you in the street without an apology, telephone sales people who simply hang up when your not interested, people in shops who put your change on the counter despite your hand being held out to receive it, the simplest of human words to say 'please' and 'thank you' - the list is becoming more endless as my days go by and I am left wondering wether in this time of the 'we need everything done by last week and god help you if we don't' society, we are forgetting our fellow beings around us.

But on the flipside of all this, if we speak up about people being inconsiderate and politely inform them of the said inconsideration, we are met with a barrage of abuse or indignation. Is is not enough that not only do you annoy the living hell out of me by doing these things, I then have to put up with your attitude. Maybe it has something to do with the way people are brought up in life, maybe it has something to do with the 'no one else can be bothered why should I' concept that is becoming increasingly popular and used frequently as an excuse.

Maybe I am, after all is said and done, just another grumpy blog writer.

What a load of rubbish.

2008-07-14T11:12:00.001+01:00

Refuse collectors are joining other members of UNISON for a two-day strike. No rubbish or recycling collections will take place in my Worthing and Adur area on Wednesday, July 16 and Thursday, July 17 due to industrial action.

Considering we pay our exorbitant council tax for such features as rubbish removal, a person on a local forum had asked the question if the Council would be refunding the public for the inconvenience.

Not according to the reply from Worthing Borough Council who said "Adur and Worthing Council Services apologises for any inconvenience these arrangements will cause local residents, but these are only being implemented for reasons beyond our control. We would like to thank our residents in advance for their patience and co-operation during this period of disruption to the services".

Typically politician-like in response as they never actually answered the question, they continue to advise the public that they can of course take any excess rubbish to a waste disposal site of their own free will. The barrage of messages afterwards grew heavy and abusive. The post has since been deleted.

Unfortunately and not for the first time, overflowing wheelie bins will be popping up everywhere littering the streets. Foxes and seagulls on the other hand, are said to be "delighted with the news".

More bandwidth? Your going to have to get some

2008-07-11T20:03:00.012+01:00

A big thumbs up for Internet service operators who try to sell you more bandwidth and then increase the amount of video flash clips, big bannered ads and general crap they display on their homepage which, as a result, slows your computer down to within an inch of its life before it kick starts into reality again. It's not just the ISP's though. Nearly every web page (with the exception of beloved Google) has a trillion ads that flash and strobe you into a jellied psychotic heap in your chair, dribbling too.

The need for speed for users these days has gone beyond the norm as we demand more of everything twice as fast and preferably by yesterday if you please. The problem though can be rectified by teaks within your browser settings and operating systems, but I wonder how many of us actually know how to do this?

There isn't a manual that comes with Windows to tell you how to "Get rid of the crap on the Internet" or for that matter "Get rid of the crap within Windows" because lets face it, if you did that, there wouldn't be a Windows and we'd all be using Linux. This frustration causes you to post endless messages in newsgroups and forums seeking help and assistance. But of course, you have to register a million times in order to do that, so you get millions of Email Verification messages in your mail that you cant access because of all the crap on your ISP's homepage...

Then there is dealing with Spyware, Malware, Trojans, Virus' and AdBlockers and oh my bloody god the list goes on and on, and all these programs that you have to try to download just to deal with this crap, are slowing your machines down even more - so you upgrade your machine to cope with the speed to get more speed - you see where this is all going. The proverbial upgrade loop. Which means spending more money. Ah, these Internet chaps aren't bloody daft are they? I sometimes wonder if this is just another Microsoft conspiracy.

Its all very well having that lightning fast 20MB broadband line, but if there's an extra load of crap on every site - which is increasing every day - your just back to where you started in the first place and that lightning fast line you have just upgraded, will just end up being drizzle.

David Davis wins comedy by-election

2008-07-11T15:29:00.005+01:00

David Davis who triggered a by-election in his constituency of Haltemprice and Howden, in protest at the Government’s victory in the 42 days vote, is seen here sharing a laugh or two after his success in winning the local by-election.

The motley assortment of candidates who stood against him ranged from "The Church of the Militant Elvis Party" to a sassy Gemma Dawn Garrett and her "Miss Great Britain Party", stood little chance of receiving any form of standing against the former shadow home secretary and not even the Lib Dems or Labour raised a candidate to stand against Davis. No wonder he's laughing.

Labour has dismissed the by-election as a stunt. Deputy leader Harriet Harman previously accused Mr Davis of "wasting over £80,000 to run a by-election, paid for by the council taxpayers. This by-election is a frolic and it's more to do with internal divisions in the Conservative Party."

Whilst I couldn't agree more and fully believe this is was a complete and utter farce, if the only rabble that could be raised was Mad Cow-Girl from The Official Monster Raving Loony Party and bloody David Icke then the general public have very little faith in any politician in this crucial time for Britain's economy.

Davis shouldn't be laughing. Davis should be worried.

Here was the full list of "candidates"

Grace Christine Astley - Independent
David Laurence Bishop - Church of the Militant Elvis Party
Ronnie Carroll - Make Politicians History
Mad Cow-Girl - The Official Monster Raving Loony Party
David Craig - Independent
Herbert Winford Crossman - Independent
Tess Culnane - National Front Britain for the British
Thomas Faithful Darwood - Independent
David Michael Davis - Conservative
Tony Farnon - Independent
Eamonn "Fitzy" Fitzpatrick - Independent
Christopher Mark Foren - Independent
Gemma Dawn Garrett - Miss Great Britain Party
George Hargreaves - Christian Party
Hamish Howitt - Freedom 4 Choice
David Icke - No party listed
John Nicholson - Independent
Shan Oakes - Green Party
David Pinder - The New Party
Joanne Robinson - English Democrats: Putting England First
Jill Saward - Independent
Norman Scarth - Independent
Walter Edward Sweeney - Independent
Christopher John Talbot - Socialist Equality Party
John Randle Upex - Independent
Greg Wood - Independent

Greetings!

2008-07-10T18:28:00.005+01:00

This is not really a rant, more of a thank you and a hello. As per my live traffic feed, I seem to be getting a few hits from people in Finland. So especially for you nice Finnish people who have visited, select the appropriate greeting according to what the time is.

Hyvää huomenta = good morning
Hyvää päivää = good day/afternoon
Hyvää iltaa = good evening

Hope to see you again soon. :)

Reasons to read spam e-mails.

2008-07-10T16:49:00.010+01:00

Spam e-mails are bloody annoying. I get masses of the bloody things every day and no matter how many filters there are present, spam will always get into your inbox. My ISP has anti-spam. My email program has anti-spam. My virus protection and spyware program have anti-spam but still the spam gets through the tiniest smallest crevice. I have over 10000 blocked email addresses and yet every day and, in every way, I get more spam. Spam senders have gone to extraordinary lengths to bypass your filters to nowadays even misspelling the pills and potions they are selling. From words like "viiiaagra" and "horrrrmmmone replacmint pylls" they never give up, causing you more nausia and frustration at having to bleed your fingers at pressing the delete button, for the 100th time this week.

It doesnt matter even if you set up a new email address and keep it to yourself, as in around 3-4 days a lovely email spamming me with Viagra turns up. Here was me thinking that fsmail.net (the email addy I used as a test for this) would "not disclose my email address". Well, considering I hadnt even used the thing I am beginning to wonder that they could be in breach of there own contract and fired off a few stocky choice words. All I got was the standard "never give out your email address blah blah codswallop"... Are they in cahoots with these people? Selling these email addresses on for a profit?

It would seriously starting to fack me off if it wasn't for one thing.

I must express amusement at some of the names these people use that appear in the 'from' field. Colourful and highly improbable though they are, some have brightened my day. Names such as:

'Doris Ditherty'
'Petra Funglove'
'Mella Boller'
'Joanna M Tinkerberry'
'Mohammed Smith'
'Terra A Firma' (typically for viagra...)
'Winston Hoop'
'Jack O Lantern'
'Gregg Muncher'
'Iva Clanker'
'Berty Woosh'
'Mercible M Scree'
'Hank Chief'
'Henry Fizzleboy'
'Mooga Brimmer'
and my latest 'Moribund J Thistletwizzler Jnr', to name very few, at least keep me amused before they hit the great recycling bin in the sky.

Maybe these spammers have come to realize that they need to do more to get our attention. So before you delete those spam spewing turnips, see what names you get and give them some credit at least not for being annoying pricks, but for making you smile.

Vista update: simply stupid and now updated.

2008-07-10T14:34:00.011+01:00

After much nerding about the net and in relation to my previous post today which can be found here I've done a little more digging for those who would care to read on. Before I waffle inanely I must point out that this update is NOT ESSENTIAL unlike Vista says and can quiet happily be uninstalled. If the update fails don't bother to install it. Read on to find out why.

From what I can glean the Windows update KB955020 is only to replace 5 stupid words in the English dictionary. To recap to people who cant be arsed to read my previous post I was forced to wait for a 56.3 MB "Important" Update to be downloaded from Windows Update before I could use my own computer.

All the update did was to include 5 words into the dictionary used by a variety of programs within Windows. These words are:
1.Friendster
2.Klum
3.Nazr
4.Obama
5.Racicot

After a little investigation I discovered some startling facts.

1. Friendster is a leading global social network emphasizing genuine friendships and the discovery of new people through friends.
2. Klum of course refers to hot babe and supermodel Heidi Klum.
3. Nazr Tahiru Mohammed (first name pronounced NAH-Zi) born September 5, 1977, in Chicago, Illinois is an American professional basketball player with the NBA's Charlotte Bobcats.
4. Barack Hussein Obama II is the junior United States Senator. He is the presumptive nominee of the Democratic Party in the 2008 presidential election and the first African American to be a major party's presumptive nominee for President of the United States.
5 .Marc F. Racicot is a U.S. politician and lobbyist and member of the Republican Party.

This all leads me to firmly believe, and I repeat firmly to believe, that Heidi Klum has shagged all three of these blokes and has bragged about it on Friendster.
If you dont believe me look what else I found.

http://profiles.friendster.com/74479985

I reckon she also bedded Bill Gates and he tried to fix the spelling errors in an attempt to win her back, but as usual the Windows fix (KB955020), failed to deliver.

Its so obvious when you look closer eh?

Vista update: simply stupid.

2008-07-10T09:10:00.009+01:00

Bill Gates is seen here having a chuckle. Yes no doubt he is and probably at my expense as I was forced to wait for a 56.3 MB "Important" Update to be downloaded from Windows Update before I could use my own computer.

If I set Windows Update to allow me to review "high-priority updates" before downloading, then Windows Live OneCare (which I have now ditched) showed my computer to be "At Risk," turned the Windows Live OneCare icon to bright red, and prompted me that my computer "May be at risk from Internet threats". And if I did set Windows Update to automatically download and install "important" updates, I was forced to wait until a 56.3 MB "Important" update such as KB955020 (which adds a massive five words to the English dictionary) before I was able to simply start and use my own computer. For those with any remote interest can find the Microsoft article here at http://support.microsoft.com/kb/955020 which explains nothing why this should be a priority update that is so vital and important to mankind.

Can anyone explain to me why this 56.3 MB containing the hugely popular five words:
1.Friendster
2.Klum
3.Nazr
4.Obama
5.Racicot
- from Windows Update is considered important enough to deny me the use of my own computer until it completes?

Edit: You can follow up some revealing stuff about this here.

Amy Winehouse does it again.

2008-07-08T11:57:00.003+01:00

This woman really cheeses me orf. In the next vital instalment that the news is so eager to let us know apparently, and so I've been reading, she has been put under a 24-hour house arrest after she confessed to taking drugs while being treated for heroin addiction.

The singer’s label bosses have put her under surveillance in an effort to keep her away from any dealers and drug-taking friends, according to reports. Amy is said to have admitted: "I've never been to rehab - I mean, done it properly. I'm young, and I'm in love, and I get my nuts off sometimes.”

She is also being immortalised in wax at the world famous Madame Tussauds museum. The wax model, which was created by a team of 20 sculptors for some months, costs 100,000 pounds of British Tax payers money. Winehouse is said to have insisted that her towering trademark beehive be perfectly recreated, and she even asked for her saucy “sailor” tattoos to be engraved on the figure. Her wax figure has been considered by the staff at the London attraction as worthy of being protected, especially after her Glastonbury performance in which a fan lunged at her.

“We are really pleased to be creating Amy,” Daily star quoted Tussauds general manager Edward Fuller as saying. Your joking me, right?

Wake up and smell the coffee here. I can't believe that this woman gets so much undeserved attention for her stupid actions. Granted, she is a fantastic performer and successful in her field (though no thanks to Mark Ronson), but this is getting beyond a joke. She has admitted to taking drugs, countless times at that, always in the press for her love life bust ups and it seems the general consensus of opinion is "Aww, bless her, it's not her fault".

No, no, it is her fault. Entirely. Wether she has some huge illness or not due to her drug taking, the point is that the record label who employs her is making a vast amount of moolar from her doing it. Lets face it, if she wasn't taking all this shite in the first place I doubt very much the labels would be making as much money. Bad press is good press it seems and I am appalled that the world has come to this. I call Amy part of the 'Terrible Three'. Its the Kate Moss cocaine thing all over again. Its Pete bloody Docherty on steroids. Its bloody ridiculous is what it is.

Its spells out to the world, and more importantly the youth of today, that it is quiet alright to take as much bloody spank and clunk as your body can handle, because if you have a talent that makes money, its ok to do these kind of things. No, really it is. And even if your body gives up on you through overuse, thats ok too, because the money makers have the methods, and lawyers, to keep you out of jail and putting the coins back in their pockets.

I have an amazing talent for pissing people off, but it doesn't make any money. So for instance, if I was to take copious amounts of drugs til my ears waggled uncontrollably, fell off and started talking to me through the medium of mime, there is no doubt that I would be arrested, sectioned under the Mental Health Act or sent to prison.

Pfft, the bloody injustice.

Stupid dumb arsed criminals take note...

2008-07-07T03:12:00.004+01:00

Why is it that on these shows these 'crims' always run away from police helicopters into an open field or woodland areas when jumping out of stolen cars or attempt to hide under trees or in ditches? The answer is they are thick. It's idiotic. The helicopter chasing them has infra red detectors that pick up heat signatures. You'd think by now after the amount of series this program has had, they would of realised by now.

An easy solution is to peg it to a shopping center and lose themselves in a crowd full of fat sweaty people.

Protest about sex shop in Worthing

2008-07-06T01:18:00.007+01:00

Back in 2005, An apparent well known moral campaigner (according to the Worthing Herald) had vowed to force a sex shop to close if it opened in the same road as his Worthing home.

He said at the time: "I will fight this application... From my experience and with the concern already expressed, I am sure the council will not grant the licence."

I have no objection to protest. What annoyed me was the photograph. Hell's teeth. Two old people and some nerdy bloke in an anorak who quiet frankly is looking like he is not going to get any 'whahooler' at any time of his life in this or in the next, is hardly an advert for trying to get people for their cause.

Unfortunately for them the council granted the license and it has been open for over 2 years.

Hello. I'd like to buy a new mobile phone please...

2008-07-05T00:09:00.018+01:00

I've got a brand new mobile phone. Its a doozy. Its thus so because it does exactly what I want it to do. Dial out, ring and do 'txt msgs'. That's all I need. That's all I asked for. I don't want any fancy gadgets. I don't want bluetooth or web access or a 4 mega pixel camera or the ability to get data sent to me from a satellite orbiting Uranus to tell me EXACTLY where the nearest clean and fresh public toilet is. No. I don't want that. I want a phone that dials, rings and can do 'txt msgs'. In other words, a BASIC PHONE. Is there such a thing?

According to my local Vodaphone shop, there is not. Well, there was but it took me thirty of your earth minutes to get what I wanted as I had to endure the sales pitch of the spotty oik with a crappy scratched badge (we will call him Richard for sake of confidentiality) who had either a) just got out of bed or b) been sick and fallen out of bed or c) done both a) and b) and got back into bed, realised he was late for work and d) ran to said work with with his hair on back to front.

The sales pitch was enthusiastic considering his obvious halitosis and last nights flaky gel encrusted barnet when I made my enquiry. But what really peeved me off was the fact that the nerk kept trying to sell me one that can tell me the time anywhere in the world despite me saying I wanted one that just rings, dials and does 'txt msgs'. In other words, a BASIC PHONE.

"But sir", he insisited, "This one can take a picture and you can edit it and add things to it and then send it to someone". Richard looks at me with a big sales winning grin.

"Wow! Really?" I say with mock awe. "Thats so much better than what I actually asked you for twice already. So it doesnt ring or dial or txt? No? Ahh, no matter because it can tell me the time anywhere in the bloody world. I'll take three and be on my way." Needless to say Richards face dropped. He got the 'msg' and sold me EXACTLY what I had asked for and I left with a sales killing grin. Sigh... Life was so much simpler with the old Bakerlite phone.

Hello? Is that Miss Curuthers? I was wondering if you would care to join me for a light spanking this afternoon? Jolly good, see you in twenty minutes.

Now don't get me wrong. I know these people are only trying to make more money for the company (who by the way were down by 4.6% last year, to £9.3bn...poor things...) and earn themselves a dab of commission in the process, but I do feel that the whole sales pitch crap is becoming a little tedious for Joe Public. It's all hard sell sell sell and normal people like me (I use that phrase lightly) are becoming more and more pissed off with this. As soon as you put one hand on the shop door-handle you can see them inside fighting each other to be first to your side and say "Hello, can I help you?" in menacing smiles that cause me to glance fretfully over my shoulder and back off into the street waving my excuses.

In a nutshell 'Dick', and every other poxy 'salesperson' out there. If we want assistance, we will ask. If we don't ask - fack off back behind the counter and stop pestering us.

YAY! First post - Arrgh! Its started already..

2008-07-03T19:07:00.020+01:00

As the title suggests, yes - this is the first post in this blog, or rant, or whatever you want to call it and yet, by way of a demonstration of what this blog will contain, I've already broken the fundamental rule to which I am now going to rant at myself and every other numpty out there who does it.

People who do this (like myself in this post - and for the record I shall be carrying out my method of punishment later) should be smote fiercely with a stout stick and set adrift in an open boat. Why do people do this? I see it often on forums in new topics, blog comments, chatboxes, etc, and I think to myself 'For the love of God, why can't these *insert swear word here* people come up with something less *insert swear word here* stupid.

I guess they sit at their computer staring at the screen without a clue in the world about what to write, smoking endless cigarettes whilst trying to think of something witty and enlightening. The complete opening comment to astound all other readers into submission and generally make everyone think that Dixie_Bimbo_Gurl123 or whatever your stupid login name may be, is really and truthfully, a very bright clever person with a lot to offer to the masses.

Then, my dear reader, what do you expect they type??

"YAY! I got first post!!"

Aargh! You bloody moron! etc.

... Oh I'm am speechless, open mouthed and in awe of your writings. Oh how I wish I could think up that little gem. My life, such as it is, will never be the same again. I am humbled to be reading your words.

Now *insert swear word here* off.